Question 1: “Do I believe in the life I am living?”

This question is really about “authenticity.” Do you feel you are living an authentic life? Is it YOUR life, or what someone else wants you to live? Are you telling yourself the TRUTH about your health and relationships? Are you living what is most important to you every day?

Question 2: “Am I taking proper care of my body, mind, and relationships?”

Your mind, body, and relationships are the most important environments that you live in. Are you happy with the condition of your body and mind? Are the primary relationships in your life healthy and thriving? What are two things you could do differently starting today to improve the health of your body, mind, and relationships?

Question 3: “Am I living my deepest values?”

Big question. When you are living from your core values, you are experiencing fulfillment. To live from learned values or someone else’s values is often frustrating and stressful instead of fulfilling. What are YOUR core values? Are you able to express those values at home, at work, and in your relationships? Helping individuals and couples identify and live their values is one of the most important things I do as a Relationship Fitness Coach.If you would like some coaching in this area, please contact me to explore the possibilities: (812) 236-5780.

Question 4: “How do I treat each person I encounter?”

The way you treat others is often a direct reflection of how you treat yourself. Challenge yourself to step back and observe how you treat other people such as your children, spouse, coworkers, and friends. How do you hold them in your mind and heart? How well do you treat yourself?

Question 5: “What am I grateful for?”

Identifying what you are grateful for is a powerful way to shift your emotional energy and quality of life. What are you grateful for regarding your health? What are you grateful for in each of our primary relationships? Advanced step: being grateful for the challenges and pressures of life.

Question 6: “What am I becoming?”

WOW! This is a big one, isn’t it? So, what do you think? Happy with what you are becoming? One of my mentors once told me, “don’t forget, you can always change your mind.” When you don’t like what you are becoming, you can always change your mind, make new choices, explore new possibilities.That’s powerful! When you learn how to live deliberately, and use obstacles and set backs as a source of power, you equip yourself with the skills and abilities to become the fullness of who you are and to make a huge impact in the world!

Question 7: “How am I limiting myself today?”

We usually limit ourselves by thinking too much about our past or the future. What limitations would you like to break through, and what would be impact on your life, health, and relationships if you did? As your Relationship Fitness Coach, I can assist you in breaking through health and relationship barriers that may have held you back for years. E-mail me to schedule a free coaching session: denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com.

Question 8: “Do the significant people in my life know how much I appreciate and cherish them?”

Strong relationships with others who can support you and whom you can support is a powerful way to expand your health and well-being. Take some time today to express to those you care about what they mean to you and notice how it makes you feel, how it makes them feel, and how it improves the health of your relationships.

Question 9: “What am I tolerating? What is it doing to me?”

Tolerations are things that you are putting up with. They are stressful and a serious drain on your energy and quality of life. Identifying your tolerations and eliminating them is a critical step in improving your personal and relationship fitness.

Question 10: “What is the most important and powerful use of my energy and time right now?”

How you use your energy and time is how you use your life. Stop for a moment and consider what would be the important and powerful use of your life energy. What new choices do you need to make in order to more effectively use your energy and time? What can you do starting today to improve your Personal and Relationship Fitness?

As your Relationship Fitness Coach, I will support you in creating and implementing a powerful Personal and Relationship Fitness Plan. Contact me today for more details: denver@relationshipsfitnessonline.com or call / text me at (812) 236-5780.

You can change your life by asking yourself powerful questions.

As you know, marriages don’t fail overnight. In fact, a failed marriage usually happens over several years. And one of the things I have noticed when a marriage does fail is how the partners tend to blame each other for the failed marriage. “It’s your fault. If you weren’t such a control freak we might have a chance at this.” “Oh yeah! Well, if you would get off your lazy a– and help out around here, I might consider staying with you!” Certainly, each partner plays their part in a failed marriage. It’s rarely, if ever, just ONE person’s fault.

We may find ourselves criticizing our partner’s character or something they did as the primary cause of the marital failure. And sure, we all make mistakes, and no doubt you or your partner have contributed in significant ways to the failed marriage. But I want to step back a moment and look at it from a different angle. Instead of just looking at it as some personal flaw that caused the failed marriage, I want to invite you to look at it from a broader perspective. What is going on in the culture around us – the space in which we live our lives – that is contributing to the failure of marriages? (The culture shapes who we are as people, and the factors listed below affect how you and your partner show up in the marriage.) We often don’t consider these cultural and societal factors and how they are effecting the ways we show up in our relationships.  But it’s important that we do so – if we care about the quality and health of our committed relationships.

Here is a partial list of some of the cultural factors that are contributing to failed marriages. (When I work with couples in coaching, we often address these and many other issues as it relates to the couple and their intimate relationship.)

• A Culture of Narcissism (“It’s all about me!”) – A person who cares only about their self rarely enjoys deep emotional connection and caring for another. They feel entitled, that things should be handed to them and that life should be easy and fun all the time. These are ingredients for disaster in a committed relationship. Our society promotes narcissism, and marital couples can easily get pulled into it, often at the cost of their marriage. (The effects of narcissism grow worse as the marriage continues.)
• A Culture of Consumerism and Materialism – Marriages are under a lot of pressure associated with this factor. Through advertising, TV shows, magazine and the like, you feel the pressure to buy more which causes you to do more. This can lead to massive amounts of debt (living beyond your means), overwork, time debt due to “stuff maintenance and management,” marital conflicts, a loss of priorities, health problems, and eventually marital failure. Often the pursuit of “more” becomes more important than creating intimacy, friendship, and shared meaning in the relationship. Our culture promotes the values of consumerism and the easy, comfortable life. And as you know, creating a healthy, fulfilling marriage is often not easy or comfortable.
• Crisis in Manhood – Many men are confused as to what it means to be a man in today’s world.  As a result, many women take over leadership roles in the marriage, causing an unhealthy “parent-child” dynamic. Or men become overly controlling and demanding creating a “parent-child” dynamic. This, overtime, will spell disaster for the marriage as one of the partners feels like they are married to a child instead of an equal adult.
• Breakdown of Community Support Structures – Years ago, marriages existed in a community that either directly or indirectly supported the institution of marriage. Each partner was able to meet many of their needs through the community. In today’s more isolated and individualist world, there is more pressure on each spouse to provide the support that the community used to provide. This often creates unrealistic expectations towards one’s partner, increased pressure within the relationship, and can cause marital failure over time as one or both of the partners feel unable to meet all of the expectations.
• The Pursuit of Happiness – Believe it or not, this is a big one! Of course, as a coach, I am certainly a commitment to helping individuals to be authentically happy. But where this becomes a problem is when one or both of the partners expects the other to make them happy, or when the expectation is that we’ll ALWAYS be happy together. Combined with the Culture of Narcissism, this is really dangerous, because the narcissist believes they DESERVE to be happy, and if my partner doesn’t “make” me happy, then I’m “out of here.” Marriage over.  “I’ll just shop for another spouse and start over!” (The Culture of Consumerism.)

Can you relate to any or all of these factors? How are these factors impacting your marriage right now? If you’re divorced, how did these factors contribute to the failure of your previous marriage? At Relationship Fitness Online, the focus is on CREATING conscious, healthy, values-based relationships and marriages that are fulfilling to both partners and that serve a larger purpose in the world. And the truth is, we can’t create those type of relationships if we are being pushed around by the factors listed above.

As a Relationship Fitness Coach, a part of my work is to support you and your partner in developing the strength and character you need to successfully combat these factors while creating a relationship that is truly vibrant and fulfilling. If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me directly at (812) 236-5780 or by e-mail at: denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com.

Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage

Welcome to Part 5 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility” by Relationship Fitness Coach, Denver J. Hudson.

Welcome back to our final post in this series! I’m grateful to have you on this journey with me, as we stand together as a commitment to reigniting the passion and intimacy in YOUR marriage!

Last time, I invited you and your partner to spend some time together declaring that who you are for each other is a Passionate Lover, Intimate Best Friend, Conscious Committed Partner, and Active Co-Creator. And I invited you into a conversation around what it would actually look like in your daily life to be each of those for the other. How did it go? Did you notice, as you engaged in the conversation that you were experiencing a reigniting of your passion and intimacy for one another? Could you feel the emergence of a mood of ambition – of a realistic hope for a brighter future of exciting possibilities together as a result of this exercise? It’s a powerful exercise to do on a regular basis with increasing benefits over time. Don’t fall into the trap of doing it ONCE and thinking you’re done. Real passion and intimacy is CREATED, and it requires that each of you be intentional in how you show up for each other every day!

You may have noticed hope returning to your relationship as you have moved through this series. Hope is an integral emotional component of Ambition. Hope experienced in a mood of ambition is quite different than hope experienced in a mood of resignation. In the mood of ambition, hope positions us to look at our marriage and it’s future in an optimistic, proactive way. Now, instead of living into a predictable future of “more of the same,” your intentional choices are creating an invented future, a future you are intentionally envisioning and creating together through your conversations and focused action.  In resignation, you sit back and just passively hope things will get better – as if something, someone or even God  were going to come along and “fix” your marriage for you. (Not going to happen.) As I mentioned earlier in the series, that is leaving your marriage and future to chance – something that I’m sure you’re no longer willing to do!

After you and your partner have reignited the passion and intimacy in your marriage, what’s next? Keeping it alive! It’s not enough to just reignite it. We need to talk now about how to sustain it once you have reignited it, once you have transformed out of the mood of resignation and into the possibilities that emerge from living in a mood of ambition. Without addressing the issue of sustainability, you’ll be right back where you started. (By the way, this is where most people get sloppy and lazy! Beware!) It would be like lighting a candle in a windy room: it won’t stay lit unless you stop the breeze from blowing it out.

So first, be a commitment to the practices I introduced to you earlier in the series (e.g. Stating who you are for each other, what that looks like in everyday life, and committing to showing up that way… working together to intentionally reinvent parts of your day…) Use these practices as a starting point, and then invent your own! Be intentional and put time on the calendar for you and your partner to have conversations together about specific actions to take and how you will hold each other accountable to your shared vision.

Another key to sustaining your intimacy and passion is to take a realistic look at the various areas of your life and evaluate their health and impact on your marriage. For example, what is the health of your financial world? And how is that impacting your passion and intimacy? If you and your partner are constantly stressed and arguing about finances, passion and intimacy will not remain alive. Or how about your relationship with your in-laws and extended family? If that is an area of contention in your relationship, it can be draining your marriage of passion and intimacy. For example, it’s difficult to be passionate and intimate with your partner if s/he despises your mother whom you love dearly.

Here are some key areas to explore together. Each of these areas is contributing to a sense of resignation in your life or a sense of ambition and possibility. Our goal here is to assess the current health of each of these areas, and – where necessary – take intentional action to CREATE a new level of health in those particular areas.

Work, Career, or Vocation
How is your work life impacting your passion and intimacy and the health of your marriage? Does your work contribute to a mood of resignation or a mood of ambition? Are you and your partner in alignment around your work and your future career path? How can you make the relationship you have with your work healthier?

Family, In-Laws, Extended Family
How are the relationships you have with family members impacting your passion and intimacy for each other? Are your family members living in a mood of resignation or a mood of ambition and how is that impacting YOUR mood and the mood of your marriage? How can you relate to your family, in-laws, and extended family in healthier ways?

Friends and Social Groups
How are your relationships with your friends and social groups impacting the health of your marriage? Are your friends and social groups living more in a mood of resignation or a mood of ambition? What friendships do you need to let go of? Who could you be friends with that would enhance your marriage and personal life? How could you improve the health of your current friendships?

Finances, Money, Wealth
How is your financial situation impacting the passion and intimacy of your marriage? Are you and your partner making financial decisions together or separately; how is this impacting the marriage? Is your financial life characterized more by a mood of resignation (“this is the way it will always be…or worse”) or a mood of ambition (“we can create new possibilities in our financial life!”)? What specific actions can you take TODAY that will make your financial life healthier?

Religion, Spirituality
How is your spiritual life impacting your passion and intimacy for each other? How is/would standing together as a commitment to a higher purpose enhance the intimacy in your marriage? What conversations do you need to have with your partner about the importance of your spiritual walk as an individual and as a married couple? What specific actions could you take today to enrich the health of your spiritual life?

Fun, Recreation, Hobbies
How does having fun together affect your passion and intimacy for each other? How does your level of passion and intimacy affect your ability to have fun together? How often do you laugh and have fun together? How supportive are you toward your partner having hobbies and recreational activities that don’t involve you? What specific things can you do together to bring more laughter, play, and fun into your lives?

As you quickly discover, each of these areas impact and are impacted by the state of your “Relationship Fitness.” I invite you to look at each of these areas together and make a commitment to intentionally create health and well-being in each area as a way to foster a more passionate and intimate marriage!

Again, I would like to thank you for joining me on the journey through this 5-part series. If you and your spouse would like to explore working with me as your Relationship Fitness Coach, I would be honored to speak with you and to explore the possibilities! The first call is FREE and there is no obligation to go further. I stand as a commitment to the health and well-being of individuals and committed couples who are ready to transform their health, life, and relationship from woe to WOW!

- Denver

How can I best support you and your partner in creating a “Marriage of WOW!”? If you would like to explore Couples Coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 236-5780 or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com.

Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage

Welcome to Part 4 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility” by Relationship Fitness Coach, Denver J. Hudson

Welcome back! Last time, I invited you and your partner to intentionally re-create a portion of your day together. Yes, to stand in this moment and declare yourselves as the intentional and active co-creators of your marriage and future together, beginning with a small portion of your day!

Declaring who you ARE for each other is one of the most dynamic and powerful actions you can take as a couple. When you commit to BEING a certain way together, you stand in the power of your beingness in your marriage. You are saying to each other, “This is who I am for you NO MATTER WHAT.” “This is who I am for you, even when the circumstances suck!” “This is who I am for you because I love you and want to create a fulfilling future with you!” “This is who I am for you because this is who I can CHOOSE to be for you!”

Here are four very powerful declarations you can make to each other that will cause a transformation in your relationship:

1. “Who I am for you is your Passionate Lover.”
2. “Who I am for you is your Intimate Best Friend. “
3. “Who I am for you is your Conscious, Committed Partner.”
4. “Who I am for you is an Active, Co-Creator.”

The power of these declarations occur in your life when you wake up each morning as an active expression of each of them! These are not declarations you make to each other one time and that’s it. You make these to each other, each day, in your heart and mind and expressed through your body. And you discuss together what it will actually look like – in specific behaviors – when you show up for each other in this way. In other words, what does it mean to each of you to be “a Passionate Lover”? What will that look like in your relationship? What does it mean to each of you to be “an Intimate Best Friend”? What will that look like in your relationship? And so on… How can you intentionally design your day in such a way that you can actually BE an expression of each of these four declarations for each other?

The mood of resignation does not stand a chance of forming in your relationship when you remain conscious and committed to being a living expression of each of the above four declarations! By being a Passionate Lover, Intimate Best Friend, Conscious Committed Partner and Active Co-Creator for each other, you ignite the space of your relationship with the energy and vibrancy of love and passion for each other. You generate together a mood of ambition in which you both stand, looking into the future as a commitment to move forward together. You commit to carving out the time to have conversations in which you can discuss and plan what you want to create together.

It doesn’t matter as much what you have been for each other, it matters more who you will BE for each other from this point forward. To transform the Woe of Resignation into the WOW! of Ambition, you have to be willing to let the past rest. Yes, declare the past as complete, finished. Celebrate it, honor it, and be thankful for it, but let it rest. Be willing to let go of the resentments, the blaming, the finger pointing, the record keeping, and stand together in this moment – right now – as a commitment to being the primary creative force in your lives together. From this day forward, focus your energy, your conversations, and your time on inventing the future that excites and will fulfill each of you!

Before we conclude this series with Part 5, I invite you and your partner to spend some time together making the four declarations mentioned earlier in this article (“Who I am for you is…”) Slow down, relax together, look each other in the eyes and speak these to each other. Then, have a conversation about what it means to be these for each other. Discuss the specific actions each of you will take to express these ways of being for each other. In other words, how will you live your day-to-day life being these for each other? As you share this experience together, notice what happens to your mood. Notice what happens to your passion and intimacy for each other; are they being reignited? Share with each other what this experience has meant for each of you.

How can I best support you and your partner in creating a Marriage of WOW!? If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 236-5780 or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. You don’t have to do this alone.

Join The WOW! Movement! today and learn how to transform your relationships, health, and life from Woe to WOW! Aren’t YOU ready for more WOW! in your life?

Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage

Welcome to Part 3 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility” by Relationship Fitness Coach, Denver J. Hudson

Welcome Back! Last time, we took a look at some specific ways to identify if you and your spouse are living in a mood of resignation. I trust you had the opportunity to review the list together and begin to notice how these feelings, thoughts, and behaviors show up in your marriage. How did it go?  Did you notice the mood of resignation beginning to shift just by intentionally setting out to observe the indicators? Did you experience a shift in your mood, and perhaps the reawakening of some passion and intimacy for each other when you shared your experiences together?

Passion and Intimacy can not exist in the density of a mood of resignation. And in the mood of resignation, the future that you and your partner are living into is predictably unpleasant, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. Eventually, if the mood of resignation continues to be the “atmosphere” of your relationship, it will die. NOT what we want to happen!

So, how do we transform the mood of resignation into a mood of ambition, where new possibilities can be seen and realized, where the passion and intimacy you once shared so joyfully are reignited and stronger than ever, and where a bright and fulfilling future for your marriage can be created?

First, let go of the belief that things can’t change. This may take a little faith at this point, as you may be thinking that you’ve “tried everything, and nothing seems to have worked.” But for now, just set that belief aside. You know you can always come back to it later if you like. But for now, let it rest. Declare the past complete. What was is behind us. What is yet to be is up to us!

Second, step fully into the realization that you and your partner can intentionally CREATE how you relate to each other and the future that you will share together. If you recall, when in the mood of resignation, you often feel powerless and like a victim. You’re frustrated with how things are, believing they will never change – or only get worse. NOW, in this moment, each of you can CHOOSE to be intentional co-creators of a new marriage.

As a stand for each other and your future together, look at each other and declare, “Who I am for you is an active co-creator of our marriage and life together.” It’s important to say it to each other out loud. Yes, it will be uncomfortable – and, oh yes – it will sound weird, but that’s OK. It feels and sounds weird because…who does this kind of thing? Think about, most people are NOT intentionally creating their marriage (or their life for that matter). Most people do not speak powerfully about their marriage and their future (which is one of the reasons they end up in resignation).  So, yes, this will feel awkward, but allow that to be OK. Be willing to allow yourself to get uncomfortable for the sake of your future together.

Third, as Active Co-Creators of your marriage and future, challenge yourselves to intentionally reinvent – together – a small portion of your day. For example, you may choose to reinvent your morning routine together. And before you do that, I encourage you to become aware of and discuss your normal morning routine up to this point. How do you typically start the day together? How is that impacting your relationship? Are you each willing to let go of the comfort of this routine for a new possibility that will strengthen your marriage?

Let’s say that up to this point, your morning goes something like this: Husband rolls out of bed at 5:30 a.m.; wife stays in bed for another hour. Husband showers, eats breakfast (alone), and checks e-mail. Wife wakes up, stumbles to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and then heads up stairs to take a shower and wake the kids. Meanwhile, husband puts on jacket, and yells up the stairs, “I’m off to work.”…  Ho, hum. A familiar routine perhaps. Notice, very little connection or meaningful communication happening here. And this is the routine five days a week! Impact on the marriage?

OK, as Active Co-Creators who are intentionally creating, you are now being challenged to reinvent your morning routine! Yes, I understand that you are COMFORTABLE with your typical morning routine. And sure, you get some benefit from it, or you wouldn’t be doing it. But if you could design your morning together in such a way that your relationship would be nourished and strengthened, and that would create the conditions for your passion and intimacy to be reignited, what would that look like? What would be happening? How would you be relating to each other?

(Yes, once again, this is weird. I mean, who does this? But again, you’re not reading this because you want to have a “normal” marriage. You’re here, reading this because you want to create a “Marriage of WOW!” where you and your partner are enjoying passion and intimacy. Right?)

Just a couple of things I recommend you include in your new morning routine: (1) lots of eye contact, and (2) meaningful touch. And I’m going to challenge both of you to not settle for some boring, new routine. Instead, create this new routine in such a way that each of you say “WOW!” when done. Make it so awesome, that each of you are looking forward to getting up each morning to spend your intentionally designed routine together! I’m challenging you…don’t wimp out on me!

Sound good? Great! And by the way, if you don’t want to reinvent your morning, work on your evening. What kind of evening routine would you like to create together? (Of course, you could work on both, but I recommend starting small in the beginning.)

And as you and your partner take these actions, begin to observe what is happening to the mood of resignation. Is it shifting into a mood of ambition, where you can see and feel new possibilities for your relationship? What do you notice happening to your passion and intimacy for each other – are they waking back up?

Have fun with this! And I look forward to continuing our journey together in Part 4!

How can I best support you and your partner in creating a Marriage of WOW!? If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 236-5780 or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. First session is FREE!

Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage

Welcome to Part 2 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility.”

Welcome back! Last time, we explored together the harmful effects that a mood of resignation can have on your marriage. It can literally wipe out the  passion and heart-felt intimacy that is critical to a satisfying long-term relationship. You can get “stuck” in the comfort of resignation, leaving your marriage to chance and just hoping that someday it will get better. Don’t let that happen to you and your marriage!

I know what I’m talking about in this series, because it happened to ME. Yes, I had a direct experience around what I’m sharing with you. I didn’t realize how much resignation had set into my marriage, until I came home one day to find a letter on the counter – my wife had left. So, listen up! I’m here as a voice of experience. As a commitment to supporting YOU and your partner in waking up before it’s too late. Yes, waking up to what is possible for you beyond resignation; what is possible for both of you when you shift the mood of your relationship and reignite the passion and intimacy between you. In my current relationship, we are INTENTIONALLY creating a mood of ambition for our relationship and watching for any signs of resignation. And I must say – the results are simply amazing!

When you learn how to transform the mood of resignation into the mood of ambition, you open your marriage up to a whole new world of possibilities – and that is the direction we are taking in this series.Yes, you can transform your marriage from Woe to WOW! – and I’m going to show you some ways to do it. However, I can’t do it for you! And just reading these blog posts won’t do it either! So, as we continue this series, take a stand for your marriage. Take a stand for the commitment that each of you share to really turn things around, to create a new world together. Don’t fall prey to the TRAP of “wanting” something to happen, step forward and begin to  take action NOW! I’ve done it in my own personal life and in my current relationship, so I can GUARANTEE you that it’s possible.

OK, enough of the pep talk, let’s move on!

How was your conversation with your partner after reading the last post? Were you able to discuss the questions at the end together? If not, I invite you back to Part 1, to explore that together.

In Part 2 – as promised – we’re going to take a look at some ways to identify when we are living in the mood of resignation. Why learn this? So you know what to look for! When you catch yourself saying, thinking, feeling, or acting in these ways, then you have caught yourself living in such a way that is creating and sustaining resignation. Once you are AWARE of this, you can CHOOSE differently (more on this in upcoming posts of this series). Very powerful!

Indications that you and/or your partner are living in the mood of resignation:

• Using, “Yes, but…” language. “Yes, that’s a great idea, BUT it won’t work…”
• Believing that nothing you or anyone else do will make a difference, so why try? Why waste the time, energy, or money? It’s just the way it is…
• Pessimism – expecting the worst, so less likely to see potential improvement
• A strong sense of overwhelm and helplessness. There is so much to take care of, and you just don’t know where to start…so you do nothing or very little.
• Showing up as a victim and using victim language (“poor me” or “poor us”).
• Feeling depressed and in despair
• Getting sick often
• Closing down possibilities (“That will never work…” “I couldn’t do that…” “That will be too hard…”)
• Intellectually criticizing: creating very sophisticated stories, excuses, and explanations for not exploring new possibilities
• Cynicism – doubting that anything new is possible
• Arrogance: “I already know that.” Not being open to learning something new. Already have it figured out, and you’re right.
• Wanting the rest of the world – or your partner – to change, to do the right thing, get their act together… an unwillingness to accept responsibility for taking action to improve the situation
• Engaging in distractions that keep you from directly addressing the resignation in your marriage (staying at work too late, watching TV, over-involvement with the kids, volunteering…)
• Posture: rounded, concave chest, forward tilting of the neck, downward gaze of the eyes

Again, the value of knowing what to look for is to catch yourself – and your partner – in the mood of resignation. Many of the things above can become habitual ways of being, and by working together to catch yourself falling back into these habits will be critical as we begin – later in the series – to explore moving your life into a mood of ambition. If you can’t see it, you can’t change it.

If you really want to transform your marriage, and reignite your passion and intimacy, then you have to support each other in stepping out of the habitual ways of being that lead to and sustain resignation, many of which are listed above.

So, let’s take a couple of days between this post and Part 3. That will give you enough time to explore the following actions together:

1. Print out the above list of indicators and begin to notice how you are showing up in your relationship. For example, notice when you show up as pessimistic. Notice when you find yourself depressed. Notice if you catch yourself feeling, speaking, and acting like a victim. Catch yourself saying or thinking “I already know that” when your partner offers a new idea or action. Catch yourself creating stories, excuses, or logical arguments that shut down new possibilities for you and your partner. Notice if the day feels “heavy” and overwhelming to you.

This practice of noticing – of observing yourself and your partner – may seem unnecessary to you. But it is developing your ability to observe yourself and to catch yourself in habitual ways of being that create and sustain resignation. These habitual ways of showing up in your relationship are causing an erosion of the passion and intimacy you share with your partner. And later – when we start exploring what you can do to create a mood of ambition for you and your partner to live in, this ability to observe will be a critical piece of the work.

2.  In a respectful and loving way, share with your partner what you are noticing about yourself. Intentionally create a little time everyday, perhaps right before you go to bed, to share with your spouse what you have noticed about yourself during that day. As you have this conversation, notice if the sharing actually begins to lessen the feeling of resignation. Notice if this sharing with each other begins to shift your level of intimacy with each other. Be curious. Be respectful. And enjoy what you are experiencing! By taking these actions together, you may find that you are already breaking free of resignation!

How can I best support you and your partner in creating a Marriage of WOW!? If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 236-5780 or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. You don’t have to do this alone.

Until next time…

Denver

Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage

Welcome to Part 1 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility.”

In this series, we’re going to explore together one of the most subtle and dangerous causes of the erosion of passion and intimacy in a marriage, and that is the mood of resignation. Resignation is so dense and subtle that it can literally destroy the quality, vitality, and future of your marriage. And it can do so slowly, over years of time, without your conscious awareness of it happening.

We’ll look at what resignation is, how it impacts marriages, how to identify it, and most importantly, how to transform it into the Mood of Ambition, where you and your partner can SEE and ACT on new possibilities for your marriage, with one of those possibilities being the reigniting of your passion and intimacy for each other.

Are you in? Will you join me, engaging yourself in this 5-part series? Is the future of your marriage and your children’s well-being worth some time reading, understanding, and taking action on what you learn here? Oddly enough, one of the first things you may need to set aside for the moment is your own sense of resignation… “Denver, this sounds great, but my spouse and I have already tried so many things and nothing seems to work long term. How will this be any different?” Maybe it won’t…and yet, what if it will be different? What if right now, this moment, is the beginning of something new for you, your spouse, and your marriage?

My intention is to give you something new, something different. Something that will make a difference for you and your marriage. No pie-in-the-sky crap here – just an honest look at this topic and what it will really take to reignite passion and intimacy in your marriage. You’ve got to stay with me all the way through, because we’re going to start out discussing the harmful effects of resignation in a marriage – and that may be unpleasant. And yet, as we move along in the series, we’re going to begin to see new light, new possibilities, and most of all A WAY OUT of resignation! Yes, it will take some work, but I can promise you that you and your partner CAN turns things around. (Invite your partner to read these BLOG posts with you.) You CAN reignite the passion and intimacy in your marriage. You are worth it. Your spouse is worth it. And your children are worth it.

OK, I know you’re in, because you’re still reading, so let’s get started!

Part 1: Understanding the Dangers of Resignation in a Marriage

At the heart of the mood of resignation is a sense of helplessness. Nothing you do to improve the quality of your marriage seems to work. If anything, you get temporary relief, or a small glimmer of hope. But no real significant change. And if you and your partner have been playing this game for months or even years, then a mood of resignation feels REAL. It can feel like there really is no hope for a brighter future. You can begin to doubt each other, resent each other, and lose respect for each other.

Where does this take you? It leaves your marriage – and life – to chance. You find yourself hoping and praying that things will get better “someday” while watching your passion and intimacy for each other slowly fade over time.  Instead of a joyful celebration and creative living of your love for each other, your marriage becomes a commitment to surviving, making it through another day, or to simply keeping busy, distracting yourself and being as comfortable as possible.

Many who find themselves living in a mood of resignation do not recognize their emotional reality. (See Part 2 for specific indicators that you are living in resignation.) Why? Because in resignation you can actually find yourself COMFORTABLE. It can become the norm, just “the way things are in our marriage.” Resignation predisposes you to do NOTHING and as a result, you can feel comfortable in your inaction. You believe that no matter what you do, it won’t make any meaningful difference, so why do anything at all?

Another reason you may not realize you’re living in resignation regarding your marriage is because you have found an effective way to cope or distract yourself away from it. For example, you may feel resigned about the marriage, but ambitious about your career, or a volunteer activity, or the kids’ lives, or church functions, or watching TV or reading… There are many ways to avoid facing the truth that you feel resigned and hopeless about the future of your marriage. And yet, you can’t distract yourself forever. Eventually, the density of the mood and its impact on the passion and intimacy of your marriage becomes too great, and either the marriage ends, or you stay together (because it’s the right or convenient thing to do) and accept your state of dissatisfaction.

In The WOW! Movement language, I call what we have been talking about so far, “The World of Woe.” A world of struggle, frustration, dissatisfaction, and resignation. And yet, I remind you, we are not done yet! You can transform your relationship, as EVERY Woe is an invitation into WOW! You can reinvent your marriage and life into “The World of WOW!” And I’m going to show you – later in the series – how to transform resignation to ambition (a Woe to WOW! movement) opening up a new world of possibilities for you and your spouse! Stay tuned in and engaged!

OK, let’s wrap up Part 1, with the following questions for you and your spouse to consider together (or on your own, if your partner is unwilling). These will take openness and courage to answer honestly:

1. What were you each thinking and feeling as you read about resignation and it’s impact on marriage? How much of this describes where you are right now individually and as couple?

2. In what ways have you each grown comfortable living in a mood resignation? Are you willing to let go of this comfortableness for a new possibility?

3. What actions and strategies do you each engage in to avoid confronting your own sense of resignation in your marriage? (For example, staying longer at work, watching TV, reading, hanging out with friends, playing Farmville on Facebook, taking kids to activities, making logical excuses, volunteering…)

4. Are you a commitment to remaining resigned, or are you a commitment to reigniting the passion and intimacy in your marriage? (State your commitment out loud to each other.) What is your commitment as a couple? (“We are committed to…” spoken out loud to each other.)

In Part 2, we’ll explore some of the words, beliefs, emotions, and body postures that create and maintain the mood of resignation. By learning these, you can catch what you’re saying, thinking, feeling, and doing that creates and sustains the mood of resignation – and with this awareness begin stepping yourself out of it.

How can I best support you and your partner in creating a Marriage of WOW!? If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 236-5780  or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. You don’t have to do this alone.

-Denver

Revitalize your marriage with this skill

If you are looking for a simple and highly effective way to dramatically improve – if not totally transform – your intimate relationships, give this skill a try.

(Listen to audio to learn more.)

We really aren’t taught how to deal with change. Often, it’s perceived as the enemy. A nuisance. A disturbance to how life should be. And I think that is why people fear it so much – they haven’t been taught how to deal with it. How to embrace it. How to use it. And yet, change is the expression of life. If we were able to stop change, we would be stopping life from expressing itself.

Think about how much of what you have been taught is designed to help you create stability and consistently in your life. Again, this is wonderful, but woefully incomplete. Have you been taught how to create change? Have you been taught how – in the midst of stability – to become aware of what needs to be changed and then know what to do to change it? Have you been taught what to do with your emotions and feelings while in the midst of change?

I have witnessed a great number of people who have established stability and “status quo” in their life and intimate relationships, and many of those people are miserable or moving in that direction. Many of them are lifeless, lacking in passion and a vibrant energy for life. Many of those people are going to curse life when the wave of change moves through and takes what they have worked so hard to establish, and when their relationship begins to unravel.

At midlife, we see just how real change is. No matter how good we have gotten at establishing stability and safety in the first half of life, midlife shows up, and the waves of change seem to accelerate in many ways. For some, those waves are gentle. For others, they are like Hurrican Katrina. But they do come – for everyone. And when they come, we discover – cognitively and emotionally – how ill prepared we have been for the natural changes of life. We realize that we have learned to dance with stability, but not change. And many of us panic.

One of the most important things I do as a Relationship Fitness Coach is help individuals and couples understand how to dance with change. How to take this natural expression of life and use it to spark amazing growth within themselves and their relationship. It is not something to be feared, or to avoid. That only creates massive amounts of stress and distress. It is something to step into, embrace, and learn from. In the language of “The WOW! Movement,” it’s about learning how to transform Woe into WOW! – which is a life and relationship skill worth learning! As you learn that skill, you also learn how to be an intentional creator of your own life. And that makes for a powerful, dynamic and highly intimate relationship!

Think about all of the changes ahead of you. Those life will bring you, and those you will create. Are you ready? Do you fear those changes? How would your life be different if you knew how to navigate change – and use it to your benefit – to the enrichment of your life? If you could learn how to transform the Woe of life into the WOW! of life, what would that make possible for you? If that sounds appealing to you, I invite you to call me at (812) 299-0214 or e-mail me at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. I’d love to hear from you, and provide you with a no-risk opportunity to experience the power of personal coaching in transforming yourself, your relationships, and your life from Woe to WOW!

I mention this because one way some avoid conflict is to avoid living what they are truly passionate about. They surrender their passion and a compelling future for comfort and predictability. A BIG mistake that throws us back into “woe” and to settling for a normalized life that ultimately leaves our soul and our relationships in despair.

Uncomfortable feelings are what make conflicts undesirable. But what if you could handle those feelings? Then you could handle the uncomfortable feelings behind conflicts! Being able to process feelings effectively – to feel them fully and to let them go – is one of the necessary skills if you are going to live new possibilities for your life and your marriage. Living a Life of WOW! requires that we develop a healthy relationship (have “Relationship Fitness”) with our emotions.

When you step it up and really commit to creating a passionate, WOW-filled marriage, you will eventually run into some conflict, especially in the beginning. Here are a few things to consider when that happens:

1. Don’t take what is going on personally.

Taking the situation personally will prevent you from deeply hearing the other person – and yourself. Taking something personally makes the story in your head more important than your partner, the marriage, and what the two of you are creating together. Take responsibility for what you are feeling and for your own identity. Drop the story you are creating in your head and stay focused on the facts of the situation. And remember to stand in the shared commitment that each of you have made (or can create together): to be a commitment to creating a passionate marriage and a dynamic future that inspires and fulfills both of you. (Contact me if you need help with this! The WOW! Movement awaits you!)

2. Shift your focus within the conflict from winning and defending to understanding and creating. Here are some questions to help with that:

• What does your partner really want? What needs or concerns are they expressing in the moment? How could you help them fulfill those needs and concerns?
• What do you really want? What are your needs and concerns in this moment? What actions can you take to fulfill those needs?
• What is the most important thing in the situation – for them and for you? (e.g. being right, the relationship itself…)
• What do you want to live on past the conflict? What is the higher vision that each of you are committed to – for yourselves individually and for the relationship?
• What’s the lesson within the conflict? How can you use the conflict to better your life? What is the “Woe” that you can transform to a “WOW!”?

Remember, don’t give up living what you are passionate about just to avoid conflicts. Conflicts are a natural part of the creative process and are opportunities to learn more about yourself and your partner. Every Woe is an invitation to step more fully into your WOW! Conflicts can give birth to greater clarity, a deeper intimacy, and a renewed commitment to live what matters most.

Live passionately!

Denver