Introverts and Extroverts: When Opposites Attract and Fall In Love, Part 1

Of the many areas of compatibility, one of the most dynamic and important to consider is that of introversion and extroversion. I’m certain you’ve heard and perhaps experienced that “opposites attract.” This is certainly true in the area of Introverts and Extroverts.  It can be a complimentary pair IF the differences are fully understand, valued, and respected.

Let me be very clear: If you don’t understand the difference between Extroverts and Introverts, then your relationship is headed for disaster! It is a fundamental area to understand if you and your partner are going to create a healthy, thriving relationship together. This is true because Extroverts and Introverts show up and demonstrate love in different ways. And many people simply don’t understand the profound differences between these two ways of approaching life and how they play out in an intimate relationship. Now YOU will!  (By the way, we have both Introversion and Extroversion tendencies, but one is going to be dominant for each person.)

When we speak about Introverts and Extroverts, we are talking about the source, direction, and focus for one’s energy. For example, Extroverts tend to crave and are energized by social events, environments with lots of stimulation, and lots of activities. (The very things that drain an Introvert.)  Introverts, on the other hand, tend to savor and are energized by quiet time in which they can be reflective and introspective. (The very things that drain an Extrovert.) Introverts are typically more laid back and enjoy being alone.  By understanding these differences, you can see how issues of compatibility can quickly emerge – for example – when the Extroverted partner wants to go out to a social function, and the Introverted partner wants to stay home. (We’ll explore specific examples of how these differences play out in an intimate relationship in future posts in this series. )

When you and your partner begin dating, these differences are not usually that noticeable. One of the reasons this is true is because Introverts often act like Extroverts in order to be accepted and liked by their dates and to meet cultural expectations. The typical image of an ideal couple in our culture is an Extroverted, Success-Oriented Man and an Introverted, Soft-Hearted Woman. These cultural pressures and expectations can cause us to show up in very inauthentic ways in our dating relationships, as we pursue a compatible partner that will fulfill our expectations and ideas about what a relationship should be like. Often, the dramatic differences between Extroversion and Introversion are not experienced until later in the relationship when the Romance Stage has worn off.

So, as we begin this series, the first step is to identify if you are more Introverted or Extroverted. And how about your partner? Is s/he more Introverted or Extroverted?  Here are some additional things to look for to help you find out:

Extroverts tend to:

Notice and tell you what they see
Be outwardly directed
Be action oriented
Display emotions as they experience them
Not be bothered by interruptions that much
Have many friends and acquaintances
Have broad interests
Learn by trial and error
Think out loud to people
Enjoy working with others
Gain energy by interacting with others

Introverts tend to:

Notice a lot but don’t say much
Be inwardly directed
Be reflective oriented
Bottle up emotions
Dislike being interrupted; likes silence
Have a few good friends
Have deep interests
Be cautious before acting; learn overtime
Think a lot before talking
Enjoy working alone
Discharge energy by interacting with others; recharge in alone time

In my next post, we’ll look at some specific examples at how Introversion and Extroversion show up in intimate relationships. Through understanding these differences, you and your partner can turn differences into working compliments that enrich and enliven your relationship! Stay tuned!

- Denver

Would you like some personal coaching around this topic? Imagine having your own Singles Coach who is committed to working with you personally in finding a highly compatible life partner! Contact me today for a complimentary coaching session to explore the possibilities:

Phone or text me at (812) 236-5780 or
e-mail me at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com.

You can see this for yourself. The next time you are out in a public setting, just take a look at the couples around you. See if you can see a direct correlation between the quality and enjoyment of the conversation they are having and the perceived quality of their relationship. In fact, if you could listen in to how couples talk with each other, you could begin to predict which couples are going to stay together, and which ones will end up separated or divorced.

Did you know that one of the biggest reasons that relationships end is because the partners stop being best friends? They lose that emotional connection and bonding that is essential to high-quality relationships. And that emotional connection withers and dies when compelling conversations become few and far between.

One way to determine if someone is highly compatible with you is whether or not they truly enjoy having conversations with you. Conversation is the one thing that will be with you for your whole life. The quality of your conversations determine the quality of your intimate relationship… and your entire life.

On your next date, pay attention to how the quality of the conversation determines the quality of your time together. It’s quite amazing!

-Denver

So, as we approach 2010, take some time to slow down and reflect on what kind of life you want to author / create in this next year. You see, you can design your own life, and – in fact – you can design a whole new you! You can, through your imagination and the power of language create compelling visions for the various areas of your life and then begin to take the steps to make those visions a living reality. (This is what I help people do through Singles Coaching.)

Here are some questions to consider:

• Are you living TODAY as the author of your own life experience?
  

• What is the vision you have for the next chapter (year) of your life?

• If your seeking a highly compatible Life Partner, what kind of vision would your partner have that would make them attractive to you?

• Who will you need to become to live the vision that you have for the next chapter of your life?

Regardless of what the earlier chapters of your life have been, today you can begin writing a new chapter. Give yourself permission to be powerful. To be bold. And to live your vision courageously!

- Denver

Perhaps you’ve noticed – if you’ve been single and dating very long – that there tends to be a bit of the consumerism mindset in the world of dating. Have you ever felt like you’re “shopping” for a life partner – or being “shopped” by someone else? At Relationship Fitness Online, I foster a much different approach, one in which you aren’t “shopping” for a life partner, but you are attracting a life partner while appreciating and respecting each person you date, seeing them first and foremost as a human being, and then as a potential life partner.

With that in mind, here’s one of the quickest and most powerful ways to stimulate a fun and energizing conversation on your next date:

Be an Appreciator! Look for the best in yourself, the person you are on a date with, and the experiences that you are sharing together – and express your appreciation openly.

The power of appreciation is one of the most underutilized powers in relationships. And that’s a little surprising, considering how good it is for the soul. Appreciation is  one of the most effective ways to dramatically enhance your Relationship Fitness.

Appreciation is the act of recognizing the BEST in the people or world around you. It is to notice things that give life, health, vitality, and excellence to you and others (Cooperider and Whitney, 2000). It is an active feeling of thankfulness, which has an energetic quality that uplifts one’s energy and spirit. When you appreciate, you bring attention to something you value in another person, yourself, and the moment that you are sharing together.  And by bringing attention to it, you magnify it, giving it greater life and expression!

What are some things you value about the last person you dated? Did you express that to them? What are some of the things that you deeply appreciate about yourself? Did you bring those things into your date? What are some fun and creative ways that you could begin to express appreciation in your dating life?

Here are some simple things you can do to begin to use the power of appreciation during your next date:

1. Let your date know how much you appreciate the time you are spending together (if you actually DO appreciate it) and the things they have done for you.
2. Notice a personal quality or character trait about the person you are dating and let them know how much you appreciate that about them.
3. Identify what you appreciate most about yourself, and make those qualities and characteristics a part of the date!
4. Ask the person you are with what they appreciate about their life and the people they know. It makes for a great, energizing conversation and will help you to get to know what the person truly values and why.

CHALLENGE: Practice the power of appreciation during your next date. Notice how it makes you feel and the impact it has on your time together.

And remember, being an Appreciator will make you very attractive, and that’s important when searching for “Mr. or Miss Right.”

“Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” – Margaret Cousins ]]> http://relationshipfitnessonline.com/singles-look-for-the-best-in-yourself-and-those-you-date/feed 0