The Four Degrees of Love

Right here, right now, your whole idea of love could change. If you’re single and seeking a life partner, in a committed relationship and want to transform it, are a parent raising children, or are a leader of people… then you need this information NOW.  I think it’s that important. See what you think!

Have you heard of The Four Degrees of Love? Saint Bernard of Clairvanx (1090-1153) set out to explore what it really means to love God. And in this journey, he distinguished what he called The Four Degrees of Love in a work entitled ON LOVING GOD. What I would like to do in this post is slightly tweak his language for our modern understanding.

Let’s take a look at the Four Degrees of Love, and as we do so, please take some time to consider which of these degrees best describe you. If you are single, what type of love are you seeking in a partner? If you are in a committed relationship right now, which of these degrees describe how YOU love, and which describes how your partner loves?

Degree 1: “I love ME for my own benefit.” This is love of self for self’s sake. The primary focus of this type of love is one’s own needs and desires. This is love of self for self’s sake. Now, if you’re dating and seeking a highly compatible life partner, I doubt that THIS is the type of partner you are seeking. And if this type of love is in your marriage, I’m guessing you’re not too happy with the relationship.

Degree 2: “I love YOU for my benefit.” (Saint Bernard called this degree “Love of God for self’s sake.”)  In this degree of love, you love the other person (partner, spouse, child, God) in order to get something back from them. That could be validation, the fulfillment of needs, or simply the reinforcement of a way of life that is important to you. Yes, you are expressing love, but you are motivated in doing  so in order to get something in return. This is the most common degree of love, the degree where most people find themselves.

If you’re dating, watch for this. If you’re in a committed relationship / marriage, check to see if you are loving your partner just so you can get something from them. In your parenting, see if you are expressing love to your child as an attempt to get something in return from them, such as validation,  emotional comfort, a sense of self. This will require a real, honest and compassionate look at yourself.

Degree 3: “I love you for your benefit.” (Saint Bernard called this degree “Loving God for God’s sake.”) This is the type of love many people aspire to. It’s often seen as the highest form of love. In this form of love, it’s easy to neglect yourself, thinking you are doing the right thing by sacrificing yourself for the benefit of the other. If you’re dating or in a committed relationship or parenting, check to see if this is how you are loving others. Are you wearing yourself out, sacrificing your own self-care in order to benefit others? Is the person your dating neglecting their own health in order to be with you? Are you expecting them to?

Degree 4: “I love me for your benefit.” (Saint Bernard called this “Love of self for God’s sake.”)  Bernard considered this the highest form of love, and I agree. In this type of love, you are taking care of yourself so others don’t have to and so you have the extra energy and vibrancy to be a contribution to others and the world. Your own health – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual – is of highest priority. You have an abundance of well-being – a FULL love tank – that literally overflows and is shared with others. You approach relationships from a place of abundance and love, instead of a place of lack and fear. You feel connected with all of life, a true sense of oneness. You are a leader of your own life, a steward of what you have been given in both your inner world (talents, gifts, strengths…) and your outer world (possessions, etc.) This is the type of love that makes “Relationship Fitness” possible, and is at the center of what I call The World of WOW!

Is this type of love something you would like to aspire to? Wouldn’t it be great – singles – to find a life partner who is either at this level or aspiring to grow and mature to it? If you’re in a committed relationship, imagine you and your partner standing together as a commitment to evolving to this type of love in your relationship! And as a parent, to love yourself so powerfully, that you have an abundance of love that flows through you, from you, and out to your children!

I challenge you to take a realistic and compassionate look at yourself and how you love. What degree of love do you find yourself at? What degree do you aspire to?

If you would like to receive personal coaching on this topic, please contact me directly at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com and request a FREE Coaching Session!

Before we take a look at the three types, please keep in mind that it’s possible to experience all three of these types within the same relationship, but in my experience and observation of others, most people will ultimately end up with one of these types being the main focus of their relationship.

Type 1: “We are a commitment to surviving.”

In this type of relationship, the main focus is to survive the struggles and challenges of life together. For example, you might get married in order to survive financially. To survive a deep sense of loneliness. To survive your past and future together. To survive your own sense of lack as a person. Of course, we have to survive, but in this type of relationship surviving the struggles of life together is the main underlying focus. Ultimately, if this relationship becomes dysfunctional, you end up trying to survive each other and the unhealthy relationship you find yourself in.

Type 2: “We are a commitment to comfort and ease.”

In this type of relationship, the main focus is to live a life of comfort and ease together.  In this type of relationship, when you have achieved a certain level of comfort and ease, you have a sense of having made it. This approach is one of the reasons that people find themselves financially strapped, as they invest in the comforts of life.

Of course, comfort and ease is desirable and is certainly a worthy goal. One of the fundamental challenges in this approach, however, is that when the desire for comfort and ease is applied to how you relate to each other, then you’ll find yourself avoiding having uncomfortable, feeling-oriented conversations. Those certainly aren’t comfortable or easy to have – and yet are critical to maintaining a healthy relationship.  How many relationships have you seen end unexpectedly, only to discover that the couple was unwilling to have difficult and uncomfortable conversations with each other?

Type 3: “We are a commitment to creating a purpose-filled, value-centered life together.”

In this type of relationship, the main focus of the relationship is on creating, learning, growing, and serving together. Here, the couple is a commitment to being “awake” – mindful of each others inner and outer worlds. The focus is on living shared values and on creating a shared story together that brings energy and vitality to each of you. Your relationship together fosters the growth of each of you, and positively influences the lives of those around.

Which of these three types is most appealing to you? If you were married before, which did you find yourself living most of the time? And as you seek out a new life partner, which type of relationship do you want to create with them?

Live boldly!

-Denver

For some, “light” relationships and friendships are enough. If that describes you, then you may find yourself feeling weird in a world that caters to married couples. But I’m writing today to let you know that if you don’t feel that being in a committed, intimate relationship at this time in your life (or ever) is right for you, then you have chosen a legitimate path.

The most important thing is to consider what is most true for you and live your life with a deep integrity. If that means you live your life outside of a committed,  intimate relationship and spend your time enjoying the company of friends and family, then congratulations! It is your choice.

If you choose not to be in a committed, intimate relationship, then Relationship Fitness is still an important concept for you to consider. Our lives are a network of relationships, and Relationship Fitness is all about becoming masterful at the art and science of healthy human relating – whether that is relating to yourself, a friend, a family member, a coworker, or life in general. Life is all about relationships and how we choose to relate within those relationships.

One of the things you’ll discover about me and see reflected on this website over and over is that deep respect I have for all people and the various ways we can choose to live our lives.  I feel strongly about honoring and respecting people first as a human being and then working with them to invent a life that truly makes their whole being sing and dance – and that contributes to the lives of those around them.

Where ever you are right now in your life, take a moment to appreciate yourself and the healthy choices that you are making. And enjoy the holiday season with friends and family!

- Denver

If you’re single and seeking a life partner, I have some great news! Now you can easily assess your “relationship readiness” and find out if you are ready for a committed relationship.

My new “Relationship Readiness Assessment” is a 2-page, 14-item document covering a variety of areas that are critical for healthy relationships. Don’t just jump into a relationship, get yourself “Relationship Fit” first by requesting this powerful resource – it’s free!

To complete the assessment, simply read each of the 14 statements and rate yourself on a scale from 0 to 10. Then, add up your score and see what it means for you personally! Here are a few of the items on the assessment:

I am stable and grounded in my life, knowing how to take care of my basic survival needs.

I am confident in my ability to communicate effectively with others.

I have a clear vision for my life and relationships.

I have a list of non-negotiables that I use to screen potential life partners.

I am fulfilled in my career or vocation.

I engage in mindful dating practices.

The assessment will help you discover specific areas that you may want to work on to improve your “Relationship Fitness” prior to getting into a committed relationship. To receive your free copy of this valuable and insightful resource, simply send me an e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com with the words “Relationship Readiness Assessment” in the subject line.

This will make a difference!

-Denver