Reigniting Passion and Intimacy In Your Marriage (Part 2 of 5)
Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage
Welcome to Part 2 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility.”
Welcome back! Last time, we explored together the harmful effects that a mood of resignation can have on your marriage. It can literally wipe out the passion and heart-felt intimacy that is critical to a satisfying long-term relationship. You can get “stuck” in the comfort of resignation, leaving your marriage to chance and just hoping that someday it will get better. Don’t let that happen to you and your marriage!
I know what I’m talking about in this series, because it happened to ME. Yes, I had a direct experience around what I’m sharing with you. I didn’t realize how much resignation had set into my marriage, until I came home one day to find a letter on the counter – my wife had left. So, listen up! I’m here as a voice of experience. As a commitment to supporting YOU and your partner in waking up before it’s too late. Yes, waking up to what is possible for you beyond resignation; what is possible for both of you when you shift the mood of your relationship and reignite the passion and intimacy between you. In my current relationship, we are INTENTIONALLY creating a mood of ambition for our relationship and watching for any signs of resignation. And I must say – the results are simply amazing!
When you learn how to transform the mood of resignation into the mood of ambition, you open your marriage up to a whole new world of possibilities – and that is the direction we are taking in this series.Yes, you can transform your marriage from Woe to WOW! – and I’m going to show you some ways to do it. However, I can’t do it for you! And just reading these blog posts won’t do it either! So, as we continue this series, take a stand for your marriage. Take a stand for the commitment that each of you share to really turn things around, to create a new world together. Don’t fall prey to the TRAP of “wanting” something to happen, step forward and begin to take action NOW! I’ve done it in my own personal life and in my current relationship, so I can GUARANTEE you that it’s possible.
OK, enough of the pep talk, let’s move on!
How was your conversation with your partner after reading the last post? Were you able to discuss the questions at the end together? If not, I invite you back to Part 1, to explore that together.
In Part 2 – as promised – we’re going to take a look at some ways to identify when we are living in the mood of resignation. Why learn this? So you know what to look for! When you catch yourself saying, thinking, feeling, or acting in these ways, then you have caught yourself living in such a way that is creating and sustaining resignation. Once you are AWARE of this, you can CHOOSE differently (more on this in upcoming posts of this series). Very powerful!
Indications that you and/or your partner are living in the mood of resignation:
- Using, “Yes, but…” language. “Yes, that’s a great idea, BUT it won’t work…”
- Believing that nothing you or anyone else do will make a difference, so why try? Why waste the time, energy, or money? It’s just the way it is…
- Pessimism – expecting the worst, so less likely to see potential improvement
- A strong sense of overwhelm and helplessness. There is so much to take care of, and you just don’t know where to start…so you do nothing or very little.
- Showing up as a victim and using victim language (“poor me” or “poor us”).
- Feeling depressed and in despair
- Getting sick often
- Closing down possibilities (“That will never work…” “I couldn’t do that…” “That will be too hard…”)
- Intellectually criticizing: creating very sophisticated stories, excuses, and explanations for not exploring new possibilities
- Cynicism – doubting that anything new is possible
- Arrogance: “I already know that.” Not being open to learning something new. Already have it figured out, and you’re right.
- Wanting the rest of the world – or your partner – to change, to do the right thing, get their act together… an unwillingness to accept responsibility for taking action to improve the situation
- Engaging in distractions that keep you from directly addressing the resignation in your marriage (staying at work too late, watching TV, over-involvement with the kids, volunteering…)
- Posture: rounded, concave chest, forward tilting of the neck, downward gaze of the eyes
Again, the value of knowing what to look for is to catch yourself – and your partner – in the mood of resignation. Many of the things above can become habitual ways of being, and by working together to catch yourself falling back into these habits will be critical as we begin – later in the series – to explore moving your life into a mood of ambition. If you can’t see it, you can’t change it.
If you really want to transform your marriage, and reignite your passion and intimacy, then you have to support each other in stepping out of the habitual ways of being that lead to and sustain resignation, many of which are listed above.
So, let’s take a couple of days between this post and Part 3. That will give you enough time to explore the following actions together:
1. Print out the above list of indicators and begin to notice how you are showing up in your relationship. For example, notice when you show up as pessimistic. Notice when you find yourself depressed. Notice if you catch yourself feeling, speaking, and acting like a victim. Catch yourself saying or thinking “I already know that” when your partner offers a new idea or action. Catch yourself creating stories, excuses, or logical arguments that shut down new possibilities for you and your partner. Notice if the day feels “heavy” and overwhelming to you.
This practice of noticing – of observing yourself and your partner – may seem unnecessary to you. But it is developing your ability to observe yourself and to catch yourself in habitual ways of being that create and sustain resignation. These habitual ways of showing up in your relationship are causing an erosion of the passion and intimacy you share with your partner. And later – when we start exploring what you can do to create a mood of ambition for you and your partner to live in, this ability to observe will be a critical piece of the work.
2. In a respectful and loving way, share with your partner what you are noticing about yourself. Intentionally create a little time everyday, perhaps right before you go to bed, to share with your spouse what you have noticed about yourself during that day. As you have this conversation, notice if the sharing actually begins to lessen the feeling of resignation. Notice if this sharing with each other begins to shift your level of intimacy with each other. Be curious. Be respectful. And enjoy what you are experiencing! By taking these actions together, you may find that you are already breaking free of resignation!
How can I best support you and your partner in creating a Marriage of WOW!? If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 299-0214 or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. You don’t have to do this alone.
Until next time…
Denver
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Comments
I want to thank the blogger very much not only for this post but also for his all previous efforts. I found relationshipfitnessonline.com to be greatly interesting. I will be coming back to relationshipfitnessonline.com for more information.
Hi Joen,
Thank you for your comment. I’m delighted that you are finding the “Reigniting…” series of value. There’s much more coming on my BLOG, and I look forward to having you as a regular reader!
Denver
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