Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage (Part 1 of 5)
Reignite Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage
Welcome to Part 1 of the 5-part series entitled “Reigniting Passion and Intimacy in Your Marriage: From Resignation to Possibility.”
In this series, we’re going to explore together one of the most subtle and dangerous causes of the erosion of passion and intimacy in a marriage, and that is the mood of resignation. Resignation is so dense and subtle that it can literally destroy the quality, vitality, and future of your marriage. And it can do so slowly, over years of time, without your conscious awareness of it happening.
We’ll look at what resignation is, how it impacts marriages, how to identify it, and most importantly, how to transform it into the Mood of Ambition, where you and your partner can SEE and ACT on new possibilities for your marriage, with one of those possibilities being the reigniting of your passion and intimacy for each other.
Are you in? Will you join me, engaging yourself in this 5-part series? Is the future of your marriage and your children’s well-being worth some time reading, understanding, and taking action on what you learn here? Oddly enough, one of the first things you may need to set aside for the moment is your own sense of resignation… “Denver, this sounds great, but my spouse and I have already tried so many things and nothing seems to work long term. How will this be any different?” Maybe it won’t…and yet, what if it will be different? What if right now, this moment, is the beginning of something new for you, your spouse, and your marriage?
My intention is to give you something new, something different. Something that will make a difference for you and your marriage. No pie-in-the-sky crap here – just an honest look at this topic and what it will really take to reignite passion and intimacy in your marriage. You’ve got to stay with me all the way through, because we’re going to start out discussing the harmful effects of resignation in a marriage – and that may be unpleasant. And yet, as we move along in the series, we’re going to begin to see new light, new possibilities, and most of all A WAY OUT of resignation! Yes, it will take some work, but I can promise you that you and your partner CAN turns things around. (Invite your partner to read these BLOG posts with you.) You CAN reignite the passion and intimacy in your marriage. You are worth it. Your spouse is worth it. And your children are worth it.
OK, I know you’re in, because you’re still reading, so let’s get started!
Part 1: Understanding the Dangers of Resignation in a Marriage
At the heart of the mood of resignation is a sense of helplessness. Nothing you do to improve the quality of your marriage seems to work. If anything, you get temporary relief, or a small glimmer of hope. But no real significant change. And if you and your partner have been playing this game for months or even years, then a mood of resignation feels REAL. It can feel like there really is no hope for a brighter future. You can begin to doubt each other, resent each other, and lose respect for each other.
Where does this take you? It leaves your marriage – and life – to chance. You find yourself hoping and praying that things will get better “someday” while watching your passion and intimacy for each other slowly fade over time. Instead of a joyful celebration and creative living of your love for each other, your marriage becomes a commitment to surviving, making it through another day, or to simply keeping busy, distracting yourself and being as comfortable as possible.
Many who find themselves living in a mood of resignation do not recognize their emotional reality. (See Part 2 for specific indicators that you are living in resignation.) Why? Because in resignation you can actually find yourself COMFORTABLE. It can become the norm, just “the way things are in our marriage.” Resignation predisposes you to do NOTHING and as a result, you can feel comfortable in your inaction. You believe that no matter what you do, it won’t make any meaningful difference, so why do anything at all?
Another reason you may not realize you’re living in resignation regarding your marriage is because you have found an effective way to cope or distract yourself away from it. For example, you may feel resigned about the marriage, but ambitious about your career, or a volunteer activity, or the kids’ lives, or church functions, or watching TV or reading… There are many ways to avoid facing the truth that you feel resigned and hopeless about the future of your marriage. And yet, you can’t distract yourself forever. Eventually, the density of the mood and its impact on the passion and intimacy of your marriage becomes too great, and either the marriage ends, or you stay together (because it’s the right or convenient thing to do) and accept your state of dissatisfaction.
In The WOW! Movement language, I call what we have been talking about so far, “The World of Woe.” A world of struggle, frustration, dissatisfaction, and resignation. And yet, I remind you, we are not done yet! You can transform your relationship, as EVERY Woe is an invitation into WOW! You can reinvent your marriage and life into “The World of WOW!” And I’m going to show you – later in the series – how to transform resignation to ambition (a Woe to WOW! movement) opening up a new world of possibilities for you and your spouse! Stay tuned in and engaged!
OK, let’s wrap up Part 1, with the following questions for you and your spouse to consider together (or on your own, if your partner is unwilling). These will take openness and courage to answer honestly:
1. What were you each thinking and feeling as you read about resignation and it’s impact on marriage? How much of this describes where you are right now individually and as couple?
2. In what ways have you each grown comfortable living in a mood resignation? Are you willing to let go of this comfortableness for a new possibility?
3. What actions and strategies do you each engage in to avoid confronting your own sense of resignation in your marriage? (For example, staying longer at work, watching TV, reading, hanging out with friends, playing Farmville on Facebook, taking kids to activities, making logical excuses, volunteering…)
4. Are you a commitment to remaining resigned, or are you a commitment to reigniting the passion and intimacy in your marriage? (State your commitment out loud to each other.) What is your commitment as a couple? (“We are committed to…” spoken out loud to each other.)
In Part 2, we’ll explore some of the words, beliefs, emotions, and body postures that create and maintain the mood of resignation. By learning these, you can catch what you’re saying, thinking, feeling, and doing that creates and sustains the mood of resignation – and with this awareness begin stepping yourself out of it.
How can I best support you and your partner in creating a Marriage of WOW!? If you would like some couples coaching around this topic, please contact me at (812) 236-5780 or by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com. You don’t have to do this alone.
-Denver
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