The Four Degrees of Love
The Four Degrees of Love
Right here, right now, your whole idea of love could change. If you’re single and seeking a life partner, in a committed relationship and want to transform it, are a parent raising children, or are a leader of people… then you need this information NOW. I think it’s that important. See what you think!
Have you heard of The Four Degrees of Love? Saint Bernard of Clairvanx (1090-1153) set out to explore what it really means to love God. And in this journey, he distinguished what he called The Four Degrees of Love in a work entitled ON LOVING GOD. What I would like to do in this post is slightly tweak his language for our modern understanding.
Let’s take a look at the Four Degrees of Love, and as we do so, please take some time to consider which of these degrees best describe you. If you are single, what type of love are you seeking in a partner? If you are in a committed relationship right now, which of these degrees describe how YOU love, and which describes how your partner loves?
Degree 1: “I love ME for my own benefit.” This is love of self for self’s sake. The primary focus of this type of love is one’s own needs and desires. This is love of self for self’s sake. Now, if you’re dating and seeking a highly compatible life partner, I doubt that THIS is the type of partner you are seeking. And if this type of love is in your marriage, I’m guessing you’re not too happy with the relationship.
Degree 2: “I love YOU for my benefit.” (Saint Bernard called this degree “Love of God for self’s sake.”) In this degree of love, you love the other person (partner, spouse, child, God) in order to get something back from them. That could be validation, the fulfillment of needs, or simply the reinforcement of a way of life that is important to you. Yes, you are expressing love, but you are motivated in doing so in order to get something in return. This is the most common degree of love, the degree where most people find themselves.
If you’re dating, watch for this. If you’re in a committed relationship / marriage, check to see if you are loving your partner just so you can get something from them. In your parenting, see if you are expressing love to your child as an attempt to get something in return from them, such as validation, emotional comfort, a sense of self. This will require a real, honest and compassionate look at yourself.
Degree 3: “I love you for your benefit.” (Saint Bernard called this degree “Loving God for God’s sake.”) This is the type of love many people aspire to. It’s often seen as the highest form of love. In this form of love, it’s easy to neglect yourself, thinking you are doing the right thing by sacrificing yourself for the benefit of the other. If you’re dating or in a committed relationship or parenting, check to see if this is how you are loving others. Are you wearing yourself out, sacrificing your own self-care in order to benefit others? Is the person your dating neglecting their own health in order to be with you? Are you expecting them to?
Degree 4: “I love me for your benefit.” (Saint Bernard called this “Love of self for God’s sake.”) Bernard considered this the highest form of love, and I agree. In this type of love, you are taking care of yourself so others don’t have to and so you have the extra energy and vibrancy to be a contribution to others and the world. Your own health – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual – is of highest priority. You have an abundance of well-being – a FULL love tank – that literally overflows and is shared with others. You approach relationships from a place of abundance and love, instead of a place of lack and fear. You feel connected with all of life, a true sense of oneness. You are a leader of your own life, a steward of what you have been given in both your inner world (talents, gifts, strengths…) and your outer world (possessions, etc.) This is the type of love that makes “Relationship Fitness” possible, and is at the center of what I call The World of WOW!
Is this type of love something you would like to aspire to? Wouldn’t it be great – singles – to find a life partner who is either at this level or aspiring to grow and mature to it? If you’re in a committed relationship, imagine you and your partner standing together as a commitment to evolving to this type of love in your relationship! And as a parent, to love yourself so powerfully, that you have an abundance of love that flows through you, from you, and out to your children!
I challenge you to take a realistic and compassionate look at yourself and how you love. What degree of love do you find yourself at? What degree do you aspire to?
If you would like to receive personal coaching on this topic, please contact me directly at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com and request a FREE Coaching Session!
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Comments
This is wonderful Denver!!!! I love the challenge, “If you’re in a committed relationship, imagine you and your partner standing together as a commitment to evolving to this type of love in your relationship! And as a parent, to love yourself so powerfully, that you have an abundance of love that flows through, from you, and out to your children!” I am in!!!!
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